life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize