ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
