Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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