If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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