I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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