i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
that's an acceptable place to lick
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
