I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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