dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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