oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
