Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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