worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
