she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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