When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
This baby is an asshole
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
