Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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