so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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