I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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