I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Sorry about my life...
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
