He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
