She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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