There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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