it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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