we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
