she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize