just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
