Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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