I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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