I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize