Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
