I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
