You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
