I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
