Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
