Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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