Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
