You just made me feel so damn special
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
