I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
