Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
