I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
