he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
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