I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
