did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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