Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Drunk is not a location!
Randomize