I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
