i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
