does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
