I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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