Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
