What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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