you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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