hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
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