You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
