new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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