Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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