splinters make it hard to masturbate
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
