When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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