someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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