one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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