so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Randomize
