It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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