I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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