sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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